Creating Healthy Relationships!

I have pondered on the word cleave while reading this week.  I looked up the word cleave in the topical guide and at the top is says, "Cleave (=Join). In regards to the lesson last week on unity this coincides beautifully with what we learned last week.

How are we able to be joined with our spouse if we are still joined with our parents emotionally?  There have been a few different situations that have occurred in our family because certain individuals choose to dwell in whats going on in the lives of others rather than in their own personal situations.  This lesson has allowed me to reflect on my own relationship with my husband, and ask myself specific questions to help me identify ways I can join with him at a deeper level.  It also helped me realize that it's ok if I remove myself from the emotional whirlwinds that occur in certain situations within my immediate and extended families.  

This week I have thought about different ways I can bond with my parents, siblings, and in-laws.  Here are some fun ways to be involved and help strengthen bonds found on:

 http://www.happywivesclub.com/25-great-tips-for-building-a-relationship-with-your-in-laws/

Common Courtesy Can Go a Long Way. “My experience was difficult at first. But, when I realized that they didn’t dislike me, they just would miss their son, it all changed. Respect, honesty and common courtesy goes a long way. Eventually, the F.E.A.R (false evidence appearing real) goes away, guards are dropped and you realize you’re now an extended family – not a discontinuation of one.” -Jenny Campbell

Seek Advice Without Accusation. “Understand that they have loved your spouse much longer than you. Never put them in a position where they have to defend their child. Seek advice without accusations. Celebrate them for their support and encouragement of your spouse.” -Frances Siple

Extend Grace. “…the key to our relationship is respect and grace.” -Melissa Stratton Sanchez

Treat Them As Family. I have always looked at my in-laws like they’re my blood and it has made it so much easier to get along.  We have all worked hard to make it important to us, though. It’s not always easy, but it has to matter enough to you to keep on working on it! -Laurina Rose Hendrickson

Be True to Who You Are. “Being yourself. Eventually it will work out. If you try to be something/someone you’re not, it will only cause everyone problems down the line.” -Karen Royalty Smith

Have Your Spouse Resolve Conflict.  “When there is conflict between me and whomever, I talk it over with my husband and he talks to them. For one, they’re his family and he knows how to talk to them, and for two it takes him out of the middle – he doesn’t have to choose between me and them, he helps to resolve any conflict instead of letting one build.” -Tresa Koester

Give it Time. Realize relationships take TIME to build. One or even several large scale fights do not mean you cannot have a relationship. You may be very different people and it takes TIME to look at the world from another person’s viewpoint with love. Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time. -Tristan Roszkowski

Accentuate the Positive. “I love my mother-in-law. I think it helps to try to accentuate the positive. She is loving, giving, and incredibly kind. Of course, there are quirks that irritate me now and again, but in those moments, I try to remind myself that she is only doing what she thinks is best based off of her experience.” -Brittany Nielson 

Include Them. Including them in all aspects of our lives, calling several times a week and including them on our family vacations with the kids. We WANT our children to have amazing memories of their grandparents. One day, WE will be the grandparents and would love the same respect. -Lori Ann Kennelly

Do Not Differentiate. “We never differentiate between “YOUR family” or “MY family”. It’s always OUR family from the day we were married. We love and respect each others parents and they love and respect us. We laugh, love and support each other as much as we can.” -Barbara Rocco Adams

Let Them Out of The Box. “For me, it has been to let them out of the little box I thought they were supposed to fit in. To be patient. To love and accept them as they are! I think I expected them to be like my family, and they are not. And that’s ok. It’s great, actually! They’re awesome!” -Stacy Smith Bishop

Remember Who They Are. “Remembering they raised and love the person you love and enjoy their company.” -Jeanine Parrish Giuliano

Remove Pride. “Love! Not being so prideful myself that I ignore their wisdom and love. They truly love me as their daughter and I love them as parents. Love never fails!” -Molinda Bailey

They Are Not the Enemy. “Mutual respect, not looking at your mother in law like she is an “enemy”, set healthy boundaries early on, communicate well, and a hug truly goes a long way.” -Alaina Marie

Know Your Roles. “Respect. Knowing each person’s role in their partner’s lives. A lot of times it can verge on who is SIGNIFICANT in their lives still? Each party has a different love type and level. When both parties respect that…then you have peace and harmony.” -June Robinson

Protect Your Words. “Prayer, self-assessment, forgiveness, always be humble and protect your own words, they become a part of your life and last forever.” -Melissa Dyer
Respect Their Position. “Respect their positions as parents (and grandparents, if apply)….Always be honest….Show constant love and gratitude for raising a wonderful child!” -Sheryl Taylor

Build a Friendship. “Love them, I mean really love them. Build a friendship with them and include them in your life, not just in areas where your spouse is involved but in all areas. Pray for God to connect your families together also.” -Vycki South 

Have No Expectations. “Having their grandchildren, having no great expectations & just letting go of criticism – they see it as trying to help – believing the intention is good.” -Sara Litzkow Wax

Let Go of Grudges. “Be honest but respectful at the same time. Let go of grudges. Be patient. Have fun together! Communicate! Laugh! Share stories!” -Lesley Michelle Callahan Rogers

Don’t Put on a Show. “My relationship with my mother-in-law is separate from my relationship with my husband. I spend time alone with her…I don’t say negative things to her about him…and I act like me. I never put on a show for her.” -Angela Swartz

Bring Presumptions to the Surface. “Communication. Period. It was rough in the beginning but once I cleared the air by bringing all the presumptions to the surface, it’s been awesome ever since — and that was 13 years ago.” -Carlie Kercheval

Find a Respectful Approach. “If they raised the man of your dreams treat them as they are the reason he exists. Vent to your honey first, if something bothers you, to come up with the most respectful approach to not only them but your honey – respect them as HIS parents but love them as your own.” -Kristyn Johnson

Take Initiative. “Take initiative with them, don’t ignore them and wait for them to do so. Invite them for dinner, help your husband shop/buy gifts for them, etc. Include them in your good news! Help make them feel special and an important part of your life.” -Emily Reese

It’s a Package Deal. “Always put in mind/heart that tt’s a package deal. Love your In-laws as much as you love your husband no matter what.” -Shirley Topang

Unity

While reading the talk given by President Eyring, I reflected on the last words published in LDS Living magazine from Elder Perry in reference to the importance of the sacrament  These were the words spoken as his last advice to church members.

“[I wish I] could get every member of the Church to go and partake of the sacrament, and when they took the bread, they’d ask themselves, ‘Who am I? What am I doing? How am I living? Where am I going? What should I be accomplishing?’ as they renew their covenants with the Lord.” He finished, “The minute they’d pick up the bread, something [would] happen.”-Elder Perry

Unity truly comes as we partake of the sacrament and unify ourselves with Him.  It is such an important and vital principle to strive for.  We are entitled to heaven's help if we are unified in spirit with love for a higher good.

Here is the link to the full message about Elder Perry: 

http://www.ldsliving.com/Elder-Perry-s-Last-Advice-to-Church-Members/s/79111

Eternal Laws...

In the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage", by H. Wallace Goddard, he explains how we are always blessed when we abide by eternal laws. he said, "To those who claim their love is dead, let them return home with all their loyalty, fidelity, honor, and cleanness, and the love that has become but embers will flare up with scintillating flame again. If love wanes or dies, it is often infidelity of thought or act that gave the lethal poison". 

Satan wants us to violate our covenants, and he will stop at nothing to get us to follow him.  How disheartening it is to see what Satan has done to destroy families.  He wants to destroy our bodies, our families, and especially our eternal marriage.  Satan has the world demonstrate a portrayal that is distorted of what Heavenly Father wants us to understand the eternal perspective of our covenants.  Love dies if it turns to lust in any form.  Saran brings poison into our marriages by distorting our perception of truth verses a lie.

The Coat: A Story of Charity

Charity and Virtue are the keys to accessing Heaven's Power...

D&C 121:45-46

"45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

 46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever."

Marriage requires us to see one another through an eternal lens of focus. 
If we will look to the soul of our partner, and not focus on the natural fleshy mortal-ness, we will be able to have a deep sense of charity for them.
We are all imperfect, but we are given hope through this gospel to be perfected in, 
through, by, and because of Christ.  
How often can we resolve conflict if our hearts are rehashing past disturbances?  

In my own learning, I have found that my biggest test comes through patience, 
which directly ties in with charity.

"Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down".  
(H.Wallace Goddard, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage")

This has been a video I've always loved and thought about in many situations.  

The way we act toward various situations speaks louder than words.  
When our significant other seems downtrodden, we must be willing to give them our coats of warmth, love, charity, and patience.  
Only through virtuous thoughts, and charitable actions do our hearts align with the Savior.

Charity is the pure love of Christ...

Managing Conflict!

In a book by John Gottman titled, " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", he describes some important keys to managing conflict in marriage.

Negative emotions are important.

It's sometimes frowned upon to express negative emotion, but oh so important.  This key helps to really open up, listen, and communicate more intimately.

No one is right.

Gottman points out that "There is no immaculate perception."  

Acceptance is crucial

It is impossible for marriages to come to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are.

Focus on fondness and admiration

I realized through reading about changing focus to fondness and admiration that it's crucial to manage conflict in our marriages.  If our focus is always on the negative then we are blinded from seeing the positive.

This week I realized just how important it is to not only manage our conflict in our marriages, but also in other relationships we have.  Especially our relationships with our children.

This video summarizes the 7 principles for making our marriages work.

Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit... "Go get Help!"

It was a warm Sabbath morning. Church was starting in an hour, and the energy had been taken completely from me.  The children were upstairs playing with toys and having a joyous time.  There I was, sitting in bed with my back to the hard leathered headboard, gasping for air.  My heart was beating wildly, and my body wasn't able to relax fully.  I woke up feeling as if I was in a race, but not even physically running.

This was not the case. I returned to my bed and rested my weary head for a moment.  I heard the spirit whisper to me, "Go get help".  I immediately went through the neighborhood directory and quickly realized that everyone was at church, and I didn't dare call them to interrupt their Sunday worship.  I knew that a trip to the ER was mandatory.

Out of desperation, I called my parents and informed them that I was going to the hospital to get help for these intense pains in my chest, and to ensure my heart would stabilize.  I explained briefly to my mother that I needed help with my two children more than anything else.  She reported that my father was on his way and was going to meet me upon my arrival to the hospital.  My heart began racing even more, and I began to feel lightheaded and dizzy.  I calmly called my children to my side, and told them that mommy needed to go get help so we had to drive to the hospital.  We got in the car and speedily drove to the hospital.  In that very moment, I was scared beyond words.  I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would watch and care for my children, and that I would be able to get the help I so desperately needed.

We arrived at the hospital.  I entered in the ER, and found that there was a wait.  I sat down to catch my breath and realized that if I didn't get help right then, I wasn't going to be able to stay conscious.  With my two children sitting right next to me, I began to become emotionally challenged.  My thoughts stated racing along with my heart and I thought about the worst things happening to me.  Is my heart going to stop? Will I make it out of there ok?  What are my children thinking in this moment?  Will my dad make it here soon? Was this an answered prayer to help me during my separation to my husband?  Did my heart really start to physically break?

Right then,  a nurse called me back and began to ask me questions.  I felt dizzy and almost fainted as I slurred every word spoken. They quickly raced me back to hook me up to the heart monitors.  The nurse called for extra help as they realized my resting heart rate was at
199 bpm (beats per minute).  There I was, laying flat down on a hospital table, hooked up to all sorts of machines, with nurses, doctors, and other practitioners...  Out of the corner of my eye I saw my two precious children trying to emotionally process what was in front of them with their mommy.  I began to weep.  My dad arrived and quickly greeted me with love.  He got my children and left the hospital.  There I was, alone and broken.  A nurse came in and expressed how they were unable to get my heart rate down to a normal rate and further tests were ordered.  Then, the room was empty and silent.  I looked around and realized that it was me alone with all of my fears.  A deep feeling of darkness came over me and I began to pray silently to feel comfort.  In someway, somehow I needed to understand what the Lord might teach me through this difficult moment.  I had never felt so alone in my entire life!

Being separated had been extremely difficult on my health.  I was taking on the role of both parents for my children.  Running them here and there, making sure that they didn't feel any pain.  I wanted them to be free from pain in any way possible.  My husband was nowhere to be seen, and my phone calls to him went unanswered.  I had every moment of hurt, betrayal, and fear overtake me.  I knew that I needed help.  More than an earthly physician.  I need the help of my Savior to recognize what in me needed to change.  This was the hardest realization to swallow.  As I lay in that hospital room I recognized that I hadn't fully turned to my Heavenly Father or my Savior to give me the strength needed to endure such a difficult trial.  I promised Heavenly Father that if He would give me the help I needed that I would repent and turn towards Him forever.  I needed his mercy!

Shortly after, a doctor entered the room and expressed concern for my condition.  He said that the rate at which it was beating showed that I had run a full marathon that day.  I needed fluids, rest, and more tests.  He then told me that if my heart rate stabilized, I would need to see a specialist and more than likely be on medication for the rest of my life.  After several hours, test, and much pondering I was told tI could finally go home.  However, I wasn't able to drive from the medications they had given me.  I called my mother in law to help me through what was to come.  As she drove me home we began talking about the current state of my marriage to her son.  We were separated and contemplating divorce.  I told her that day that no matter what I was going to follow the prompting of the spirit so that whatever needed to happen for learning and growth I was prepared for it.

Many angels attended me that day.  I will never forget it!  I realize how important it is to get help always.  Not necessarily in the physical form, but in the spiritual form as well.  I needed to recognize my own faults and fully repent.  The Lord showed me how to have a contrite spirit.  After I recovered for a few weeks, I was able to sit down and write down the following affirmations to read daily.

"I will"

1. I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
2. I will commit to thinking about my eternal perspective.
3. I will keep my temple covenants.
4. I will willingly forgive all.
5. I will unconditionally love.
6. I will allow time to heal.
7. I will follow counsel from my Bishop and counselor.
8. I will pray continually and pour out everything so the blessings of heaven can pour in.
9. I will wake up with gratitude and a positive outlook on life.
10. I will take care of my needs and nourish my body and spirit.
11. I will ensure my children are nurtured spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
12. I will thank my Heavenly Father daily.
13. I will seek guidance from the scriptures, conference talks, and other church literature.
14. I will be strong, brave, and stand for truth at all times.
15. I will accept the changes I need to make as a gift from Heavenly Father.
16. I will be patient.
17. I will take strict heed to follow the guidance of the spirit.
18. I will attend the temple.
19. I will be true to myself.
20. I will accept this trial as a blessing.

I recovered without any complications or signs of heart damage. The greatest gift was not only to have my physical health normalized, but my marriage was saved by many tender mercies.

Four Pillars of Shared Meaning...

In any given relationship there is a moment of truth that arises.  We ask ourselves, 

"What is it in me that is allowing this relationship to progress towards eternity?"

  Marriage has not always come easy for me.  

It takes daily commitment to see my spouse in a different and new perspective.  

A spiritual and meaningful perspective that amplifies our love and devotion to one another.

Upon marriage, we thought we shared the same rituals, roles, goals, and values.  

However, we both realized that this small town farm girl didn't exactly know how to handle the lifestyle my husband had been born and raised in.  

My husband and I had different rituals, didn't understand our roles completely, our goals were misaligned, and our values have been tested immeasurably.

It is essential to align and support the four pillars into our marriages. 

These are the four pillars of shared meaning in marriage.

Rituals

Roles

Goals

Values

After our engagement, I felt like nothing more in the world could possibly go wrong.  

After all, I was 19 years old, and I knew everything there ever was to know about life!  

I had things figured out.  

After a few years of marriage, things began to sour.  

What I thought I once understood showed that I didn't know anything at all.  

The truth was hard to accept.

My personal communication skills were non-existent, and what might have appeared to look like a soda can that if shaken, and opened abruptly,  EXPLODED...all over everything... and everyone.

I come from a background of mental illness with depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder.  

Looking back at the explosions and emotional extremes brings me hope, and

I am grateful to be here today in an eternal marriage with a new perspective.

The Savior healed our marriage in incomprehensible ways... 

Our hearts are mended and aligned in truth.

It took hitting the bottom to understand the purpose of getting to the top.  

My husband and I have endured the natural consequences of sin and sorrow.  

We all have in one way or another.  

With our marriages, it is important to identify what rituals we have established, our divine roles, common goals, and shared values.  

These things make marriage successful!

What a beautiful blessing it is to know that we have a Savior who provides a way for all of us to come back to His presence and be forgiven. 

It was through Him that my husband and I woke up from a painful nightmare, and are basking in the joy of marital reunion.  

We still have our days of disagreements, but we both know that it is vital to turn to Heavenly Father for guidance in everything we do. 

Prayer is my medication that has allowed me to properly see things from Heavenly Father's eternal perspective.