It was a warm Sabbath morning. Church was starting in an hour, and the energy had been taken completely from me. The children were upstairs playing with toys and having a joyous time. There I was, sitting in bed with my back to the hard leathered headboard, gasping for air. My heart was beating wildly, and my body wasn't able to relax fully. I woke up feeling as if I was in a race, but not even physically running.
This was not the case. I returned to my bed and rested my weary head for a moment. I heard the spirit whisper to me, "Go get help". I immediately went through the neighborhood directory and quickly realized that everyone was at church, and I didn't dare call them to interrupt their Sunday worship. I knew that a trip to the ER was mandatory.
Out of desperation, I called my parents and informed them that I was going to the hospital to get help for these intense pains in my chest, and to ensure my heart would stabilize. I explained briefly to my mother that I needed help with my two children more than anything else. She reported that my father was on his way and was going to meet me upon my arrival to the hospital. My heart began racing even more, and I began to feel lightheaded and dizzy. I calmly called my children to my side, and told them that mommy needed to go get help so we had to drive to the hospital. We got in the car and speedily drove to the hospital. In that very moment, I was scared beyond words. I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would watch and care for my children, and that I would be able to get the help I so desperately needed.
We arrived at the hospital. I entered in the ER, and found that there was a wait. I sat down to catch my breath and realized that if I didn't get help right then, I wasn't going to be able to stay conscious. With my two children sitting right next to me, I began to become emotionally challenged. My thoughts stated racing along with my heart and I thought about the worst things happening to me. Is my heart going to stop? Will I make it out of there ok? What are my children thinking in this moment? Will my dad make it here soon? Was this an answered prayer to help me during my separation to my husband? Did my heart really start to physically break?
Right then, a nurse called me back and began to ask me questions. I felt dizzy and almost fainted as I slurred every word spoken. They quickly raced me back to hook me up to the heart monitors. The nurse called for extra help as they realized my resting heart rate was at
199 bpm (beats per minute). There I was, laying flat down on a hospital table, hooked up to all sorts of machines, with nurses, doctors, and other practitioners... Out of the corner of my eye I saw my two precious children trying to emotionally process what was in front of them with their mommy. I began to weep. My dad arrived and quickly greeted me with love. He got my children and left the hospital. There I was, alone and broken. A nurse came in and expressed how they were unable to get my heart rate down to a normal rate and further tests were ordered. Then, the room was empty and silent. I looked around and realized that it was me alone with all of my fears. A deep feeling of darkness came over me and I began to pray silently to feel comfort. In someway, somehow I needed to understand what the Lord might teach me through this difficult moment. I had never felt so alone in my entire life!
Being separated had been extremely difficult on my health. I was taking on the role of both parents for my children. Running them here and there, making sure that they didn't feel any pain. I wanted them to be free from pain in any way possible. My husband was nowhere to be seen, and my phone calls to him went unanswered. I had every moment of hurt, betrayal, and fear overtake me. I knew that I needed help. More than an earthly physician. I need the help of my Savior to recognize what in me needed to change. This was the hardest realization to swallow. As I lay in that hospital room I recognized that I hadn't fully turned to my Heavenly Father or my Savior to give me the strength needed to endure such a difficult trial. I promised Heavenly Father that if He would give me the help I needed that I would repent and turn towards Him forever. I needed his mercy!
Shortly after, a doctor entered the room and expressed concern for my condition. He said that the rate at which it was beating showed that I had run a full marathon that day. I needed fluids, rest, and more tests. He then told me that if my heart rate stabilized, I would need to see a specialist and more than likely be on medication for the rest of my life. After several hours, test, and much pondering I was told tI could finally go home. However, I wasn't able to drive from the medications they had given me. I called my mother in law to help me through what was to come. As she drove me home we began talking about the current state of my marriage to her son. We were separated and contemplating divorce. I told her that day that no matter what I was going to follow the prompting of the spirit so that whatever needed to happen for learning and growth I was prepared for it.
Many angels attended me that day. I will never forget it! I realize how important it is to get help always. Not necessarily in the physical form, but in the spiritual form as well. I needed to recognize my own faults and fully repent. The Lord showed me how to have a contrite spirit. After I recovered for a few weeks, I was able to sit down and write down the following affirmations to read daily.
"I will"
1. I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
2. I will commit to thinking about my eternal perspective.
3. I will keep my temple covenants.
4. I will willingly forgive all.
5. I will unconditionally love.
6. I will allow time to heal.
7. I will follow counsel from my Bishop and counselor.
8. I will pray continually and pour out everything so the blessings of heaven can pour in.
9. I will wake up with gratitude and a positive outlook on life.
10. I will take care of my needs and nourish my body and spirit.
11. I will ensure my children are nurtured spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
12. I will thank my Heavenly Father daily.
13. I will seek guidance from the scriptures, conference talks, and other church literature.
14. I will be strong, brave, and stand for truth at all times.
15. I will accept the changes I need to make as a gift from Heavenly Father.
16. I will be patient.
17. I will take strict heed to follow the guidance of the spirit.
18. I will attend the temple.
19. I will be true to myself.
20. I will accept this trial as a blessing.
I recovered without any complications or signs of heart damage. The greatest gift was not only to have my physical health normalized, but my marriage was saved by many tender mercies.
